I'm too scared. Too scared to take a leap of faith, to trust myself and my own beliefs.

I did a Tarot reading for someone, and I was pathetic. Because I had no information, I kept doubting what I was reading and I'd just put it back in the deck, reshuffle, try again. Rinse wash repeat. This is not the conduct of a good reader. This is amateurish and unfair to my querent. I finally asked her to give me more information, and she said a few things that made past cards make sense. I finally dealt a spread and forced myself to leave it. I saw things - I saw hope, I saw possibilities involving children, I saw possible relationship troubles and distractions.

I did not tell her this. The bravest thing I said was that there was a male, father-figure influence in her life - and even then, I copped out and said that that could also be an inner-voice, not just a physical father. Turned out it did allude to a father. Everything else, I glazed over, vague and empty, and when she came back to me with feedback, she said some things... and I knew I had seen those. I just hadn't said anything. I had been too afraid of being wrong, presumptuous.

Fear of rejection, fear of being wrong.

And recently, there was a cultural clubs thing at my uni, where all the clubs had their stalls. I wanted to join the gay/bi/lesbian group, I fully intended to do so. Did I? No. I was too scared.

I never pictured myself like this. Argh. Why can't I just leap into the unknown for once?

Tarot is great. It was my first real introduction to paganism (as in, my own form of paganism) and has served me very well. I feel a definite connection to my cards and my readings are either lucky or accurate, you decide.

I did a chakra reading last night, which is basically seven cards, each one impacting one of the chakras. I was a little blown a way, especially the very last card, for the crown chakra (what impacts your connection with the divine?). Considering I'm pretty agnostic, I was intrigued by what I would get, and lo, I got the four of pentacles. A man holding onto four pentacles, unmoving, unwavering, going no where. I think it describe that aspect of me perfectly - I'm not allowing myself to take leaps of faith, and it's hindering my connection to the divine.

The other interesting one was the sixth card, the Third Eye - what impacts your intuition? I drew the Magician, a card I'm very fond of and continues to occur in positions related to my intuition. I have the tools necessary, I just need to apply them. I have the intuition, I just need to work to tap into it.

The other interesting one was the fifth, the throat chakra, my ability to communicate. I pulled the Justice card and in conjunction with the heart chakra, the Ace of Cups (pure emotion and love), I think it shows that my ability to communicate my emotions is dampened with the need for logic and balance. My solar plexus chakra card, what impacts your will, was pretty encouraging - the Ace of Swords is a very strong card. 

I freaking love Tarot, man. Sorry, had to babble about this reading somewhere, because I loved it. It wasn't always positive, but it was very accurate and it also showed me what to do to achieve balance. Ahhh! Don't you love it when things like this go well?

I got a scholarship in media studies.

Hold on, let me emphasise that again. I got. A scholarship. In media. Studies. Now, for many, this news would be met with surprise and elation. And I'm sure I'll experience those two things, but for now, my reaction is simply...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! *breathe* HAHAHAHAAAA!

Why, I hear you ask? Okay, well, let's see. I failed my media exam, for one thing, and yet managed to get scholarship. The two essays I wrote for the scholarship exam were inane. The first one was perhaps alright, but the second was bad. I knew this when I was writing it. I left the exam early because I was certain I had failed.

But here I am, with $500 cash in my pocket. And yet still all I can say is...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! *breathe* HAHAHAHAAAA!

Basically.

:D 

So I just had my guided tour of Victoria University. The tour guide had the right idea and spent most of the time pointing out places for smoking and coffee and booze. I asked if there was an opium den and she quite seriously said that there wasn't. Well, it amused me.

Also, it turns out that these so called "guided tours" are actually a cunning ploy to thin the crowds of new university students. We lost about half of our group in the crowds. I'm not sure if these students merely amble off, or are picked off by hired killers, but nonetheless, it worked well. We were down to one boy, and so I pointed to him and said, "He is our last male survivor. We must preserve him for breeding." A couple of people smiled and the rest looked at me blankly. Well, fuck them if they can't get a joke.

Anyway. I didn't remember much other than a general gist of the buildings, but not the interior, which are akin to the catacombs of fluorescent hell. Also, it's big, very big. I'm about to go to a 45-minute library tour, if that's any indication of the bigness.

Also, aniraangel, if you did indeed light a candle for Jovi, I think it helped. I have no specifics! But I definitely felt... help. Like I knew what to do. If that was indeed from you, I appreciate it.

Hi all, this would be Glory on Mystic Wicks, Sam in real life and Willocwen almost everywhere else. Feel free to call me any one of those.

So this would be my first blog entry. What can I say? Well, I'm attending orientation this coming week and then starting university for the first time. I'm nervous and a little excited. There will be maps. I will need these maps. I just wish that the buildings were the blocky, brightly coloured squares one sees on such maps - that would be a big help, wouldn't you say? Despite there being no doors. DETAILS. I WILL REQUIRE DOORS IF I FIND THE BUILDING. And to find the building they must be blocky and brightly coloured, goddamnit. Getting into said building is a bridge yet uncrossed.

Pagan-wise... I'm on a roll with making and gathering tools for myself, and have taken an avid interest in Greek mythology (on a more spiritual level than the general 'oo shiny myths' level from before), with emphasis on Apollo. Tomorrow, I'll be doing a healing spell for my dog, who is about 7-years-old now and is suffering from hip displacement. I'm looking to ease his pain rather than perform some kind of miraculous cure, but any help and energy would be great.

That's all I have to say for now. Adios.